Sad.
2:19 PM 14 Comments »
I'm having one of those days where I'm feeling sorry for Gabby and maybe a little sorry for myself too. I hate it when I get like this...It's pointless, stupid, and completely unnecessary. And to be honest, this really doesn't happen that often but when it does, it just sucks.
I'm not sure what set me off but today as I sat at the computer catching up on all of my blog subscriptions, my eyes wandered over to my baby who I thought was contently playing with her puzzles on the floor of the living room. Instead, I focused on a little girl who was diligently trying to stand up, catch her balance, and take a few steps. She would take some steps, fall down, and do it again. And again. And again.
Naturally, this should excite me. Instead I just feel tired and defeated for her. It shouldn't be this hard. She'll be TWO in a few weeks. TWO! No matter how hard I try and take things day by day, it always catches up to me. Always. She's been tackling this new feat for over two months now and it's hard not to wonder if there's something I'm missing...something more I should be doing. I know I do the best I can but really...is my best good enough? Being a parent is hard.
We went out to dinner with some friends last night and had a great time. They brought along their two adorable spunky girls (4 and 1) which I am sure was a bit "eye-opening" for me and may have had something to do with my ho-hum attitude this afternoon. I know it's not their fault that they happen to have a typically developing little girl who is over a year younger than Gabs who is doing SO much more than my baby. And for what it's worth, I had a great time last night and never once was I sad. I definitely noticed things...Like how this little girl was having a full on conversation with me (seriously, what is that about?...Cameron didn't even talk until he was almost THREE!) or how she was chowing down effortlessly on chips and salsa, or how she was climbing and running everywhere and anywhere. I saw it. Only I didn't choose to feel sad about it until today.
I hate that I compare. I'm such a hypocrite. I read blogs CONSTANTLY about the same situations. I should read my own advice. "All babies are different" "She'll do it when she's ready." Blah.Blah.Blah. I know this. Deep in my heart, I know. I just don't care right now. I want to be sad today. My guess is that I'll wake up tomorrow morning, and I'll be back to my happy-go-lucky self. I hope so.
The fact of the matter is that this is normal stuff. I can't expect everyday to be perfect. This is an uphill race I'm in and I'm bound to get tired at some point along the way. Just thought I would keep it real for all of you out there.
I'm not sure what set me off but today as I sat at the computer catching up on all of my blog subscriptions, my eyes wandered over to my baby who I thought was contently playing with her puzzles on the floor of the living room. Instead, I focused on a little girl who was diligently trying to stand up, catch her balance, and take a few steps. She would take some steps, fall down, and do it again. And again. And again.
Naturally, this should excite me. Instead I just feel tired and defeated for her. It shouldn't be this hard. She'll be TWO in a few weeks. TWO! No matter how hard I try and take things day by day, it always catches up to me. Always. She's been tackling this new feat for over two months now and it's hard not to wonder if there's something I'm missing...something more I should be doing. I know I do the best I can but really...is my best good enough? Being a parent is hard.
We went out to dinner with some friends last night and had a great time. They brought along their two adorable spunky girls (4 and 1) which I am sure was a bit "eye-opening" for me and may have had something to do with my ho-hum attitude this afternoon. I know it's not their fault that they happen to have a typically developing little girl who is over a year younger than Gabs who is doing SO much more than my baby. And for what it's worth, I had a great time last night and never once was I sad. I definitely noticed things...Like how this little girl was having a full on conversation with me (seriously, what is that about?...Cameron didn't even talk until he was almost THREE!) or how she was chowing down effortlessly on chips and salsa, or how she was climbing and running everywhere and anywhere. I saw it. Only I didn't choose to feel sad about it until today.
I hate that I compare. I'm such a hypocrite. I read blogs CONSTANTLY about the same situations. I should read my own advice. "All babies are different" "She'll do it when she's ready." Blah.Blah.Blah. I know this. Deep in my heart, I know. I just don't care right now. I want to be sad today. My guess is that I'll wake up tomorrow morning, and I'll be back to my happy-go-lucky self. I hope so.
The fact of the matter is that this is normal stuff. I can't expect everyday to be perfect. This is an uphill race I'm in and I'm bound to get tired at some point along the way. Just thought I would keep it real for all of you out there.
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14 comments:
You my friend are allowed to feel this way. There are moments / memories / events that just take over. Allow yourself to feel this moment. Tomorrow is a new day. A fresh day. A different day. Gabby will do things in her perfect timing. Look at that moment though. She was a fighter! She got up and fell and did it again. She has an inner spunk that is going to take that baby girl far! We should all have that inner spunk! You are an amazing Mommy. Gabby was picked perfectly for your family. I am sorry you are sad. Just keep remembering you are doing a great job! This will soon be a memory and you will be remembering the times when she was not into everything... :) Running away from you :) Etc Etc. Hugs sweet friend.
Oh, Sheree... {{{HUGS}}} to you, sister. It IS okay to feel this way. I love that you are honest about it. That you allow yourself to feel it. And that when you are ready, you always move on to the joys of parenting Gabs. The good news is: SHE doesn't know she's struggling. 'Cause she's not :) She's just chillin' doin' her thang. She's not sad it's taking her longer to walk. And comparing is hard - REAL hard. But I've found that my personal comparisons are always about MY image of what Sheridan could be doing if he was developing typically - not about who Sheridan actually is. Not sure if that makes much sense... but just wanted you to know that you're an awesome mama who is doing amazing things for her spunky daughter. When she's 8 years old nobody will care that it took her longer to walk :)
I wanted to add that I remember feeling defeated just before Gabe turned two years old as well. I think during that time, so much emphasis is placed upon those "milestones" that it is to fall into the trap of worry and feeling helpless.
I'd take Gabe to a nearby park and see kids younger than he walking, climbing, jumping, and I'd feel resentful. When he began walking, (after his second birthday), I could have done cartwheels! It was that one milestone that meant SO much. And it was great to bask in his achievement! It was as much for me as it was for him.
Don't be so hard on yourself, Sheree. I agree with Cori -- soon you will be chasing after Gabby! Big hugs for you.
I soooo know what you mean! KayTar was over 2 when she started walking and I'd see BABIES running circles around her. Even now little toddlers tend to outpace her on the playground. It was the same with talking and let's not talking about eating (or the lack thereof).
It can be hard...that's okay. You are allowed to have feelings about it! Nothing is rosy all the time! Let yourself feel how you feel and you know it will pass soon enough.
I love you even more than I already did for keeping it real, Sheree.
I know Gabby needs no one's pity. She is one amazing little girl and I honestly can't even imagine all the wonderful things that are in store for her in life. But it's totally understable that not every day is a walk in the park. Parenthood can be hard no matter what your kid(s) are like and it's totally okay to be sad and to share those feelings with others.
Just know we all love you and that better/happier days are just around the corner!
Ditto to what everyone else said...You are SUCH a GOOD mama to her and she is just an amazing little miracle!!! She'll get it and we are SO proud of both you and her...you are so strong...I don't think I'd be that strong. BIG HUGS!!!
I am really glad you posted this. Being so new to the Ds thing I struggle with whats "normal" for me to be feeling. I am only four months in and I feel like I am suppose to be "over it" already...and the truth is that most days I am perfectly happy...but then I still have those moments that creep up out of no where and suddenly I am sad...scared. But by reading blogs like yours, from Mothers in my shoes I understand that these feelings are normal, and ok, and actually help move me forward. Thank you for being honest and thank you for sharing how you feel.
Hugs to you. This will pass,you are always upbeat. I think it is okay to feel like this. I have come to peace right now with Wysdom doing everything later. He just learned to sit a couple of months ago. Yes sometimes I glimpse at a baby get a feeling of " oh wow how easy it is for them", when my baby has to work his butt off to do the same thing. However for me that passes in a second.I really just try to focus on what he is doing. Just think. Gabby is so motivated. She has drive. She is trying over and over and is not giving up!! She keeps getting up. Imagine if she just gave up and never tried. We are lucky our children have determination.Trust that she will learn to walk. Hang in there. You are a great parent. Yes we have to work harder to see the same things others do...but that doesn't mean we are not good at being a parent. Maybe treat yourself to a day out, visit a spa or buy a new book. You deserve it.
You can just go ahead and be sad today if you want to. Pity party away! But don't question your parenting skillz - you are a sweet, caring, wonderful, smart, mother. Just be confident that you are exactly the mother your children need. I hope you feel happy again soon, I love the picture of those big brown eyes!!
so sorry you are having such a down day...we are all allowed these days, just don't let yourself stay there too long. You little one will be walking before you know it and you will want her to slow down :) This is wonderful that you will talk about how you feel...everyone needs to know we all have these days.
It is hard when you have other kids around who are your child's age and you start comparing them (sometime you just can't help to compare and yes, it does suck!)We have a good friend with a child William's age and sometimes I just think "he should be doing that too"...then I get over myself and enjoy the hugs and kisses etc...
hope your day gets better
{hugs}
It's so easy to get down when we compare our kids. I find I have a harder time when I see another child the same age as Morgan who also has Down syndrome and seems to be able to do so much more than she can. There is a lot of pressure and guilt those first few years. It does slow down. I remember always feeling like I wasn't doing enough for Morgan. I am now on to feeling frustrated with the potty training process. It's been a very long process and today was a down day for me with that. But the down days are less and less now. And I'm impressed she is almost walking and not even 2 yet! Morgan didn't walk until she was 2 1/2. It all depends on our own perspective. Big hugs!!!
Hugs!!!!
Yes, thank you for keeping it real. There are these moments and I think they deserve your attention, tears, etc and then you will come away refreshed, renewed and de-stressed. If we held it all together all the time, we wouldn't be fully living this life. So get a nice hot cup of tea, watch a real sappy movie, bawl your eyes out and wake up and look at the gorgeous girl of yours and know that everything is going to be ok :)
xoxoxo Sister!
OMG, I love that photo! And I love your beautiful, determined girl.
Big hugs to you, friend. I've had more of those days that I can count. You're allowed one every once in a while. (Remember, even though you started this journey after I did, you are a huge inspiration to me.)
I get it. I have them. It sucks, for lack of a better word. Thinking of you today.
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